My mother is a bitch.

Let me explain. For the past week, I've been having pretty severe jaw pain from the extraction of my wisdom teeth. By "pretty severe" I mean a pain hitting about halfway between reruns of The Cosby Show and a punch squarely in the jaw issued by a professional boxer. I've been taking the drugs prescribed by my oral surgeon (see "I'll be sticking to advil from now on") and they've made me very happy, very sleepy, and very pain-free.

I've been taking them religiously, because pain tolerance isn't a skill of mine. I'm a pussy. So last night when I took my pills and found myself far from Candyland and well within the realm of pain, I became pissed - and have remained pissed to this very moment. But pissed in no particular direction, until about twenty minutes ago.

I got a call from mom. It went something like this:

"Baby?"

"Yeah?"

"I told your dad you probably wouldn't want to go to dinner with him since you weren't feeling well. You probably agree, right? How're you feeling now?"

"In pain. I took the percocet last night and it didn't help at all. I took two vicodin this morning and figured if that didn't put me out my misery, nothing will. Guess I'm just going to have to put up with it."

"Baby... you know... I was worried... those medications are addicting, and, well..."

"Mom."

"I thought maybe tylenol-"

Immediate. Realization. Percocet is almost identical to Tylenol!

"Mom. You stole my drugs."

"Yeah, but I thought-"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DO YOU HAVE ANY F**KING IDEA WHAT KIND OF PAIN I'VE BEEN IN?! DO YOU HAVE ANY F**KING IDEA WHY DOCTORS PRESCRIBE THOSE DRUGS? IT SAYS IT RIGHT ON THE F**KING BOTTLE! RELIEF OF MODERATE TO SEVERE PAIN!"

"Baby, stop yelling. I just thought you should know, you know, if I were in a particularily mischeivious mood I might've put vitamins in your vicodin bottle. Maybe. But I just thought you were getting addicted, and I was worried. They're in the bottom cabinet in my bathroom if you think you might need them."

"YEAH, I think I MIGHT need them. Thanks SO MUCH for calling."

I feel justified. Don't judge me.